I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
