when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
