Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
