i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
