Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
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You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
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I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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