yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
