Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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