I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
