The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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