girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
