I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
