Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
