Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my being single is dangerous.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
