My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.