$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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