Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.