Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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