I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
