I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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