He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
