i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
