he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
