If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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