Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
