I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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