I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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