i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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