dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
