there's paper in my vomit.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
