Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
