I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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