just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
