Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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