so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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