I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
