I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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