Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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