After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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