hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
