I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
