I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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