I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
