im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
