Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
