the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
