I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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