Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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