he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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