mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
