We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
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Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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