i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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