I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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