Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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