We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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