If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
