Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
