I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
