id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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